The Scribble Pad
The mental meanderings of a slightly loose screw.
JANUARY 08
Thursday January 31 - Happy Birthday to me!
And a wonderful birthday it is. You know how you get depressed just before your birthday because you start reassessing your life and asking yourself why such and such a thing isn't going your way, and why you haven't reached this or that point or achieved whatever?
Yeah, me too.
Only this time, it's different. For the first time in a long time, I'm doing exactly what I want to do, and I'm exactly where I want to be: Home, with my kids and my writing.
Sure, it'll be tough, especially given that I have no salary coming in, and no contract on the horizon from Harlequin, but I'm doing what I want and need to do.
Plus my new website is up...hooray!
Come on, browse through. Tell me what you think of it.
Tuesday January 29 - Motherhood changes you - and not always in a good way
Funny how motherhood can change you. Last night I was deep in sleep when my daughter, who was sleeping next to me, fell off the bed. With my hormone-induced ninja snake reflexes, my hand shot out and caught her by the ankle before she hit the floor, hauled her back in, and set her down on the other side of me. She didn't even wake up.
Next thing I know I'll be catching a fly with chopsticks.
On the other hand, though, it has its downside. I met a kid in my son's class in the schoolyard yesterday. They'd both been at a party on Saturday and had had a wild time, rolling on the ground and shooting bad guys and all. I asked him where his brother was, and he told me the kid was home sick. To my absolute horror, what should pop out of my overly maternal mouth but "He's sick? Too much playing on Saturday, huh?" The kid looked a little uncertain, but being well reared, nodded slightly and walked off. And I felt like shooting myself. What, am I nuts? Is there anything in the universe more asinine that I could have found to tell a kid?
Too much play. Huh.
Monday January 28 - First time
I've just signed up to be a Romance in Color reviewer, and I'm so excited. It's a wonderful opportunity to read books by authors I love and some I've never read, and a great way to hone my own writing skills by critiquing the work of others.
My first book is
Single Mama Drama
One thing I'm nervous about, though. Kayla's such a titan in the field. If I say anything she doesn't like, will she find me and beat me up?
Tuesday January 22 - Is this for real?
I remember a month ago posting a blog about being weightless, floating. Then, it was all about the stress, being so tired that I couldn't feel myself anymore.
Yesterday, a friend called and asked how I was. As usual, I responded with "I'm so tired..." and then realized I actually wasn't. It took me by surprise, this discovery that I wasn't tired! I wasn't exhausted. I spent the day in a state of disbelief. I was relaxed. I'd put in 4 intense hours building my new site, so of course my shoulders were a little sore, but I was still feeling laid back, content...and not exhausted. Last night I got into bed at a quarter to ten and lay there, amazed at the fact that I didn't feel like my body was a brick. I got back out of bed and fiddled with my Sims for an hour, and I could afford to do it...because I wasn't tired.
Amazing. Maybe this whole lark will work after all.
Thursday January 16 - Yo, Rita!
My
fellow Kimani writer and brother West Indian Wayne Jordan just gave me the
heads-up. My cover is up on B&N!
I skedaddled over there, needless to say. I love it!
Sunday January 13 - Recipe for serenity
Ah
yesss, my little prettiesss....
Thursday January 9 - Decompressing
I may have underestimated the downtime I'll need to get back to quote normal unquote. So far, I've had two days of semi-peace and quiet, as the kids finally started school on Wednesday, and I have spent both of those in one of those torpid, drooling on the cushion, too tired to make it from the couch to the bed, semi-comatose sort of napping states where you aren't so deeply asleep that you can't hear what's going on around you, but where you're so damn fagged you can't even turn over.
And it's done me a world of good. I've also managed to spend my afternoons
in my havoc of a back yard, preparing to plant. I love putting on filthy
jeans and boots and kicking the crap out of a pile of dirt. It appeals to
the machismo in me.
Never mind I made the textbook mistake of introducing an alien species into my garden and am now reaping the horrific rewards. When I bought this house 9 years ago, the back yard was a little uneven, so I ordered a shipment of dirt. One which, it turns out, was impregnated with a nest of young centipedes.
Now, they're as common earthworms in my garden. I don't consider it a day well spent unless I encounter at least five of the bastards while digging. Good thing my bug phobias are limited to arachnids....
Thursday January 3 - Humpty Dumpty
So, my dearies, here I am. Free, single and disengaged - theoretically, at least. Free to write the novel of my dreams, grow tomatoes in my back yard, take a nap at 11:00 a.m. if I feel like it...
Except for the whole shattered into tiny pieces thing. I'm so tired and so wound up, so used to being stressed out, that I believe it'll be a long, long time before I attain anything near the nirvana I've been imagining.
I've been focusing on this time for so long, that I'd begun to imagine it as a magical date: January 2nd would finally be here and everything would be sprinkled with stardust and magic jellybeans. No such luck.
I feel a bit like Humpty Dumpty...smashed into little bits, and knowing in my heart it'll be a long, slow journey toward wholeness again. Before I feel like a recognizable human being, much less a human being I recognize.
Maybe I'll start with a facial, a pedicure, a massage, a haircut, all these little things I've been denying myself due to lack of time and money. A day in bed with a good book. A drive to the beach. Something. Anything. Looks like I'm going to have to work a little harder to get relaxed.
And I know just the Bailey's Irish Cream to help me do it.
